高中英语小作文批改

我个人意见：
1、文章总体要分三段，题目已经明白写出
2、第二行的about改为that从句；
第三行in the Internet 改为on the Internet；I was invested in it 删除或者I am intrested in it,以及后面那句修改成I can communicate with others in English basically

第一段In fact, it is more than the favorite; museum is a holy 最好是多看些范文，提高下用词水平。增加词汇量才能做到与众不同。 希望你

字迹潦草看不清

您好，读完您的作文，根据高考作文（尚未高考改革）的25分标准分值的5个等级来看，您的作文处于3等作文等级，再扣掉一些错误，分值大概在10分左右。主要的原因有：
1）整篇文章，只有3种从句结构，共5个句子，3个时间状语从句，1个原因状语从句，1个宾语从句，而这几种从句结构的用法属于初中级别，并不是高中级别的从句结构，所以分值不高。
2）整篇文章，用的更多是并列句，这个属于初中级别，在高考协作并不占任何优势，也没有亮点，必须是并列句和复合句，同时使用时，并列句才有分数的。
3）整篇文章，并没有使用了很多属于高中级别的高考词汇，基本上都是初中级别的词汇，所以这个就无法达到4等或是5等作文的水平。
4）整篇文章，过渡词比较匮乏，句子不是很紧凑。
高考英语作文想要达到4等（20分）或是5等（25分）的水平，必须使用：
1）非谓语动词的用法，不少于5个，可以是作定语、主语、宾语、表语，或是状语，其中最好有1到2个作状语
2）从句结构需要结合其他语法结构共同使用，不能单一使用，比如宾语从句中夹带状语从句，或是状语从句中夹带定语从句等较为复杂的结构。
3）最好使用高中级别的从句结构，比如宾语从句、关系代词引导的定语从句、时间/原因/目的/结果/条件句（1类）/让步都是属于初中教材；但比较状语、地点状语、方式状语、关系副词和介词+which引导的定语从句（限制性和非限制性）、条件句2/3/4类等这些分数较高，或是初中从句在高中拓展的机构，分数也较高。
4）最好结合其他句型，比如形式主语/宾语、主补/宾补、强调句、倒装句、省略句，虚拟语气、被动语态等等，这些都是高中的重点，或是初中学习了基础，高中拓展了更多的方法。
您的作文：
1）Last weekend, my classmates and I took part in a picking activity. It enriched my weekend life.
这里的 take part in 是初中词汇，可以考虑高中的 participate，或是 volunteer（作动词），可以把两个句子用定语从句结合。再来是 picking 并没有说明是摘（什么）？
Last weekend, my classmates and I participated in a picking activity, which enriched my weekend life much.
这里使用了 participate，和 which 作非限制性定语从句修饰 activity；添加了程度副词 much。

2）The farmyard is too large to know the certain measure. And I looked many chicken, cows, sheep and so on. The activity began at 9 o'clock when the weather was sunny and warm.
这里的第三句应该调到前面，第二句说您开始（看到）很多动物，但没有说明是（看顾），还是仅仅（看到），look 是不及物动词，不能直接跟宾语，需要使用介宾结构 look at，chicken 作家禽（鸡）是可数名词；measue 作为名词，同样译为（方法）；这3个属于初中语法级别，所以会扣很多分的。
The farmyard is very large to estemate the exact size. Arriving at the farm, I saw many chickens, cows and sheep gathering about in clusters. Weather being sunny and warm, the activity began at 9 o'clock.
添加了 arriving at the farm 的现在分词短语充当时间状语（非谓语用法）；把 looked 改成 saw；添加了 gathering about in clusters 的现在分词短语充当后置定语修饰动物，gathering about in clusters 的意思是（到处有小群集的……）；把 when the weather was sunny and warm 改成用 weather being sunny and warm，省略了介词 with 的短语充当伴随状语，其中使用了独立主格结构，weather 为逻辑主语。
3）As time went by, we felt tired and hot. But for the terrible weather, we could have enjoyed wonderful activity.
could have done something 通常译为（去过本可以...但没有...）；文章从9点开始，一句话后就回家了，缺乏了一些支持劳动的句子，或是解释说明导致（累）的活动，需要适当的拓展在农地做的事情。比如：Some of us helped pulling weeds, while others were busy cleaning the barns.（一些人除杂草，另一些人清理农舍）。这些可以让人知道实际的劳动所导致的累是平常无法体验的。wonderful activity 缺少定冠词 the；这里的 terrible weather 没有任何的解释，而且 hot 对于农场来说并不是 terrible 的。所以可以改成：
Some of us helped picking fresh fruit, while others were busy cleaning the barns. As time went by, we felt sweaty and exhausted; nonetheless, we all enjoyed the wonderful activity.
这里用了 while 作连词，更改了 tired and hot 到 exhuased and sweaty；使用了表转折的副词 nonetheless；使用了同位语 we all 的结构。
4）When I got home, I threw myelf into bed to had a rest. From my idea, the farmers are worth to be reacpted because of their hard work.
不定式 to 后接动词原形；from my idea 应该改为 from my point of view 或是 in my opinion；are worth to 改成 are worthy to；reacpted 改成 respected；
No sooner had I got home than I took a quick shower and threw myself into bed to have a rest. From my point of view, the farmers are worthy to be respected and appreciated because of their hard work.
when 很多同学都会用，改成 no sooner ... than 做一些变化；使用了部分倒装结构；添加了 I took a quick shower；更改 to had 到 to have；更改 From my idea 到 From my point of view；添加了 appreciated
5）I just work for two hours but they need work daily. So I understand how tired they are.
work 需要使用过去式；这里的 need 是陈述句，属于完全动词范畴，不是情态动词的 need，所以需要使用不定式 need to work 的结构；understand 是理解，这里可以改成 experienced，译为【体验了】.
With the two short hours I laboured, I have already experienced how tired they must be after working for a full day every day.（在我工作了短短的两个小时里，我已经体验到他们每天工作一整天后一定有多累。）；使用了 must be 表对肯定推测；这里的拿分点是 how 引导的宾语从句夹带了一个由 after 引导的时间状语，使用了 working 现在分词短语额 for a full day every day 的双重时间状语用法。
6）All in all, the activity is educational. I'm looking forward another.
look forward to something 是规定用法，所以需要改成 looking forward to another.
可以考虑更改过的版本：
Last weekend, my classmates and I participated in a picking activity which enriched my weekend life much.
The farmyard we went to was very large and difficult to estimate the exact size. Arriving at the
farm, I saw many chickens, cows and sheep gathering about in clusters.
Weather being sunny and warm, we started working at 9 o'clock. While some of us helped picking fresh fruit, others were busy cleaning
the barns. As time went by, we felt sweaty and exhausted; nonetheless,
we all enjoyed the wonderful activity. No sooner had I got home than I took a quick shower and threw myself
into bed to have a rest. From my point of view, the farmers are worthy
to be respected and appreciated because of their hard work. With the two short hours I laboured, I have already experienced how tired they must be after working for a full day every day.
All in all, the activity is both meaningful and educational. I'm looking forward to another.
需要注意的是：假如文中出现的语法错误是小学学过的，属于严重错误，比如文中的 looked 应该是 looked at the；chicken 应该是 chickens；假如错误属于初中学过的，属于较大错误，比如文中的 to had 应该是 to have；need work 应该是 need to work；假如语法错误属于高中级别，属于普通错误，比如文中的 could have done；假如尝试写复杂的句型而犯了一些结构上的错误，属于小错误。拼写错误，标点符号错误都是会扣分的。希望这样的点评可以帮到您。

19分（满分25）改进方面：可以适当多写些复杂的语法结构；练字，字要端正一些

好的方面不说啦，主要是挑刺哈。
i go to excerise .i gave it up . 这个句子也太简单了吧 。逻辑上也有也有问题。“起初我在做运动，但是后来放弃了，原因是……”你应该是这个意思，对吧 ？还有时态的问题，excerise和eat less 这些动作都是你过去做的或者是已经完成的动作。不应该使用go to和try to，起码用过去分词。
仔细看看你整个文章的时态是不一致的，“我吃吃药减肥和其效果、对自己的影响使用的时态不一致”
最后建议书信也最好能分个段落进行撰写，一大段看着很累的。
15分的话，要求严格点10·11分。

写的非常好啊，像高三的水平，很多句型用的很到位，可以达到10分以上，如果考试时字迹写的稍微认真工整一点会达到12到13分。没什么大毛病，就是第三行reason后面如果再加一个why最好，这样既能多一个词，还能让批卷人很容易看出你的句式。