请问我的这篇英语作文差在哪些地方

第一处，"my mother,and I"~"I" 是做主语的;第二处，"I am 21 years old today"~好像你不只是今天是二十一岁吧?第三处，应在"my father"与"in a working station"间加一个"is"~应在主语后加一个谓语动词;第四处，把"accounting"改为"accounter"~这应该是个职务吧?第五处，在"her work"与"very tired"间加入"is"~还是谓语动词;第六处，把"insisted"改为"insisis"~这是一般现在时的;第七处，把"she liked"改为"she likes"~一般现在时+第三人称单数;第八处，把"take care of"改为"takes care of"~"always"只表示一般的情况，故用一般现在时+第三人称单数;第九处，"daily hard work"改为"daily hard working"~"hard working"习惯用法。 呃，看起来有问题的句子还有点多，不过要多加练习，不要怕错，这样就能写好作文!相信自己!!

1、I am 21 years old today---I am 21 years old this year（now）
2、My father in a working station---My father works in a station
3、My mother is a company 's accounting---My mother is an accountant of a company
4、her work very tired----her work is very tired
5、but she insisted------but she insisteing
6、she liked watching movies on the Internet------she likes watching movies on the Internet
7、 she always take care of we are one family life-----she always take care of us for we are one family

There are three people in my family: my father, my mother and me. My name is Ye Dan. I am a 21-year-old student now. I like surfing the Internet and shopping. My father works in a working station. He is 49 years old this year. He likes reading novels online. My mother is an accounting of a company . She is 46 years old this year. Her job is a very tiring one, but she persists in it. She likes watching movies on the Internet. She always takes care of us. I love my mom and Dad, because their daily hard work is all for me, so I want to be a good child.
只能按照你的基础上改了一下，英语的逗号和中文的逗号是不一样的，完整的句子之间一定要句号，这是贯穿在整篇文章上中的错误。另外，时态也很混乱，前面是一般现在时，后面成过去时了。其它有些表达上的错误略作修改。

(全文的单复数很混乱，不知道你想说一个的还是想说一类的。后面的你自己看看吧） 都对吧，没看出有什么错 别误人子弟啦！问题挺多的，最

My dad is a tall and handsome middle-aged man. He has big eyes and short hair.He is a bus driver . He is strict with me all the time, but when I finished my homework, he'd be glad to take me out to play. Most important of all, he loves me and mom very much.Of course, I love my dad very much. 我爸爸是位又高又帅的中年人。他长着大大的眼睛和短发。他是一个巴士司机。爸爸总是对我很严格，但只要我写完作业他就会很乐意带我出去玩儿。最重要的是爸爸很爱很爱我和妈妈。当然，我也很爱我的爸爸。

1
时态
一篇文章一种时态。。
前面将来时，后面就应该也是将来时
而不能用过去时态was
改为will be
2
短语搭配
携带某物是
take with 不能take直接加某物
Xiaoxiao will take with something to eat
I like to take with something to drink ,such as apple juice
3
习惯用法
such as表列举一般后面都是2个以上，多举一点例子更好啦
对于
like to do 和like doing
并无明显区别大多可以通用
不用改的
如果非要区别既有点苛刻啦

to do强调一次性喜欢
doing 强调一直喜欢
这里一次性或许更好些
故笔者的to do 无误
复杂点的表达That will be a picnic which is full of joy ,I think.
简单的，That will be a very joyful picnic，I think

这一句" I like to take something to drink "改成“I like taking something to drink.”

I think that a very joyful picnic!