求大神修改雅思作文

您好，这一篇作文有一个比较严重的英语写作问题，就是在英语写作中，不重要或是您反对的论点通常置前，而比较重要的或是您支持的观点通常置后；因为在英语作文中，读者更注重于最后还记得的观点，也就是你想要让读者记得什么，这些您想要人读者记得的一定是置后的。所以整篇文章第一段落提出了两种论点；第二段落和第三段落提出了您的支持点；第三段落提出了反对者的观点，和您的观点；第五段落您总结了。通常这类别的雅思写作的第一段落是题目重述；第二段落是反对者（您不支持）的观点；第三段落是支持者（您支持的）观点，第四段落是强化说明您支持的观点（第三段落），然后第五段落是总结。这样读完了作文后，读者印象中还记得的会是第三到第五段落，也就是您支持的那一方的观点，和您支持的缘由，和总结了。

Requiring visitors to other countries to follow local customs and behavior is considered to be reasonable by some people while others believe that the host country should welcome cultural differences.  The essay will explain these two perspectives and give reasons why I agree to the former viewpoint.

Many people feel that people should be tolerant of others, especially to visitors traveling to other countries as these visitors are not used to the culture there.  It is both time-consuming and tedious to have to study about the local culture in advance if the traveling lasts for a short duration.  Afterall, many visit not for the people or culture but for the natural scenery there.  And, what's the purpose of adopting a different culture for the time being if you are going to forget about it later, some argue.

Yet one important thing these people have forgot about is that the traditions and habits of the people are indispensable parts of the culture which is usually regarded as a symbol of the place they are visiting.  Thus, demanding visitors to show acceptance to other countries' cultures by not violating the local customs and behavior is considered the minimal one should do.  If the visitors behave inconsiderably and disrespectful, it will most probably irritate the local people.  For example, it is extremely insensitive to touch one's head in Thailand while permissible to show your friendliness in China.  Different regions in the world have utterly dissimilar understandings of the same gesture.  It will be plausible for visitors to be aware of and follow local traditions when visiting places outside their home countries.

As the saying goes “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”  It is my belief that sensibly following local culture can help visitors learn more about the visiting country, as the best way to learn about a culture is to experience it.  When visitors act similarly to the local people, they will acquire more cultural knowledge and a better touristic feel.  The trip might be meaningless and time-wasting if one shuts off one's senses to see, hear, touch, smell, taste and feel a different culture.  Furthermore, living like local people is one of the most interesting ways of traveling.

In conclusion, one can choose to stick to one's culture and be insensible to others, or be willing to take on something new and be accepted by the locals.  What goes around comes around!  If you show respect and acceptance to others, others will tolerate and excuse your misbehavior.

更改的文章用了很多的形容词和副词，尤其是并列的表语、定语，和状语的词性使用；供您参考；比如您用了（it is extremely rude to ...... while it is an action to ..... 第一个表语用了形容词，第二个表语用了名词），我改成了（it is insensitive to ..... while it is permissible to .... 两个表语都用了形容词性，保持一致性。

1. 第一句can choose改成should be free to choose；第二句related to science and tachnology需修正，要考虑文科生的存在；最后一句的have the freedom应改成should have the freedom.

2. 第二段第一句know改成note；后面的but should also be considered as places措辞有问题（不是“应该被视为/看作”，是本应该就是！），建议改成but are also institutions；单词potencies建议改成potentials. 最后一句be talented使用值得商榷，通常人们在感兴趣的领域会学习效率更高，但未必在这些领域就更有天赋，建议使用Because learning is normally more efficient in fields a student/students is/are interested in, depriving his/their…；单词limit改成hinder也许会更好。

3. 第三段第一句more subjects前面缺少一个类似learning/offering的定语；下一句的状语从句和后面的主句不搭，undergraduates前面缺少first-year或freshmen作定语，as-从句里homes改成families(家人)更好、they leave…friends改成带状语修饰的they leave their families and friends for such a long time for the first time也许是必要的；下一句establishing courses措辞不当，根据要表达的意思应该使用sorting course groups.最后一句依然要考虑文科生。

4. 第四段第三句的skills应使用单数。若担心体现不出“不同的人有不同的单一技术”，可以改用符合词single-skilled graduates. 下一句的outstanding措辞不当(真达到outstanding程度的人就会是稀缺人才)，建议改成comparatively better. 后面的even改成though.

5. 最后一段题主首先还是要考虑如何修改related to science and technology以便把文科涵盖进去的问题。其次，talented强调天分，一般后天培养出来的能力或才能不算talent的范畴。

您好，

第一段落没有问题。【除了 that change as always a good thing 改成 that change is always a good thing.】

第二段落：
1）Doing the same thing
without change in the entire life is much easier than changing
frequently.【没有问题】
2）Changing is not easy and feasible for everyone because it
usually needs lots of energy and courage.【主语 changing 改成 change；for everyone 改成 to everyone；needs 改成 takes；lots of 改成 much】= Change is not easy and feasible to everyone because it usually takes much energy and courage.
3）Staying in the same position
does not need to be used to different places from time to time.【这句话的 does not need to be used to 较难懂，而且感觉上语义和标题不一定是符合的，因为 position 指的岗位，而 places 指的是工作地点。根据原句，留在同一个岗位不需要时常适应不同的工作地点；但更换岗位也好，更换工作地点也好都属于（更换）的范畴，比如同样是会计，换一个公司所需要适应的可能要比留在同一间公司但从会计换到其他部门更少些，毕竟更换工作岗位要比更换工作场所更难适应。】
4）The
relationships with colleagues and friends in different places should
often be built because of the frequent change.【in different places 感觉上是在多个地方工作，因为通常换一个工作地点，表示重新建立关系，而旧的关系并不需要再次建立；should often be built 改成 need often to be built 可能更好；frequent change 改成 frequent changes，因为 frequent 译为经常，所以 change 需要用复数的 changes，而 frequent 给人的感觉是频繁的更换工作，一年好几次，而不是十几年一次，和题目有点出入】= Because once changed, the relationships with colleagues and friends in the new place need to be reestablished.
5）Also, it requires people
who prefer to change to learn new knowledge when they start a different
occupation. It usually puts them under great pressure and makes them
tired of making a living.【put sb under sth 的用法不错，不过可以考虑 subject sb to sth 会更好些，有被迫的感觉是 put 没有体现的；making a living 译为谋生，这里感觉有点过重了。】= Also, it requires people who prefer to change to learn new knowledge and acquire new skills when they start a different occupation.  It usually subjects them to great pressure and may cause depression and self-abhorrence.

第三段落：
1）Excessive change means
the people prefer to change cannot focus on the same thing for a long
time which results in they unable to be specialist in a certain field.【excessive 是过多的，change 需要改成复数 changes，means 改成 mean；for a long time 改成 for a longer time，因为有对比；results in they unable 语法错误，改成 results in them being unable；to be specialist in a certain field 改成 to be specialists in their chosen fields.】= Excessive changes mean the people (who) prefer to change cannot focus on the same thing for a longer time which results in them being unable to be specialists in their chosen fields.
2）Most work not only needs professional knowledge but also need the
relevant experiences.【need 重复，所以关联连词用于并列宾语更好；experience 译为（经验）时是不可数名词，这里（经验）应该好过（经历）】= Most work needs not only professional knowledge but relevant experience as well.
3）If the working period is too short to learn some
experience, the change will become meaningless and a waste of time.【pick up 可能要比 learn 更好些，其他语法没问题】
4）People who prefer to change may accomplish nothing eventually which has a
damaging effect on their self-confidence and self-cognition.【因为 which 修饰 nothing，所以 eventually 的位置调到 may 后面 accomplish 前面更好些。其他语法没有问题】= People who prefer to change may eventually accomplish nothing which has a damaging effect on their self-confidence and self-cognition.

第四段落：
1）On the other hand, some
opponents may argue that doing the same thing and avoiding change are
the signs of laziness and lack of passion.【are the signs of laziness and lack of passion 改成 is a sign of laziness and a lack of passion. 这里的 doing the same thing + avoiding change 属于（一套整体，两个共存）所以谓语动词应该用单数，a sign of 和 a lack of 作为量词使用】
2）In my opinion, spending life
in the same way from beginning to end can also be hard and full of
passion.【这一句感觉有问题，因为 hard 和 full of passion 是反义词，不确定 in my opinion 在说明什么，到底是 hard 还是 full of passion。】
3）If you want to be successful, there is no easy way to go.【语法没问题】
4）People choose to do the same things may because of their talent or
interest.【may 在句中导致断句，用意不明。because 引导的原因状语和主句感觉的原因后果有点牵强，因为 talent 和 interest 没有说明是多了，还是少了；是没有 talent 或 interest 导致一直做同样的事情，还是有了 talent 或 interest 导致一直做同样的事情；talent 和 interest 作为 一直做同样的事情的因素很薄弱。】
5）Changing cannot measure if the people are hard-working.【不是很明白语义和前面的句子有什么关联，感觉突然冒出来了。这里的定冠词 the 特指 people，但 people 没有说明是频繁该工作的人，还是一直不改工作的人。】

第五段落：
In
conclusion, it would be too arbitrary to consider that changing is
always good. The people spend entire life doing the same things and
avoiding change can be easier and feel more achievable.【the people .... can be easier and feel more achievable 中的 can be easier 不是很明白语义。】

个人的看法：
1）文章的标题给出了一个很大的范围，人一辈子做同样的事情和寻求改变那个更好？因为范围太大，需要在开头做一个范围限制，比如同一个工作不同的工作地点；同一个工作地点不同的工作岗位；不同的岗位不同的工作地点；同一个城市的不同公司；同一个区域的不同城市等等，这些都是范围，需要进一步限制，否则文章无法一篇盖过所有的范围；需要对 change 做一个定义，什么样的 change。

2）整篇文章，除了一些小的语法错误，没有太大的问题；但段落的语义有时较难琢磨，因为支持和不支持穿插在一起，一直到最后一句才知道。比如第二个段落：
Doing the same thing
without change in the entire life is much easier than changing
frequently. Changing is not easy and feasible for everyone because it
usually needs lots of energy and courage. Staying in the same position
does not need to be used to different places from time to time. The
relationships with colleagues and friends in different places should
often be built because of the frequent change. Also, it requires people
who prefer to change to learn new knowledge when they start a different
occupation. It usually puts them under great pressure and makes them
tired of making a living.
第一句：支持一辈子作同样的事情；第二句：说了更改工作不是每个人都适应，因为需要更多的精力和勇气（这句话反过来就是说一辈子做同样的事情的人是没有精力和没有勇气的）；第三句：说了留在同一个岗位不需要不时的调整适应不同的地点；第四句：因为经常的更换，同事和朋友在不同的地方的关系需要时常的建立。第五句：经常更换工作的人需要学习新的知识（这个不一定是不好的；而且一直做同一个工作的人并不表示就不需要学习新的知识）；第六句：这通常让他们承受很大的压力，导致他们厌倦谋生。
整个段落由支持的观点，和反方观点不好的地方穿插再一次，也即是一句是支持方的优点，一句是反方的缺点，一句是支持方的优点，一句是反方的缺点，导致观点一直在切换，优点和缺点也一直在切换，读完这个段落会导致角色反复的对换，不知道最终读了什么。

建议把反方的缺点变成支持方的优点，也就是：
1）第一句 = 做同样的事情，一辈子轻松（保留原意）
2）第二句 = 做同样的事情，不需要花费额外的精力和勇气去适应新的工作（以支持者的角度去诉说，而不是反方的角度去诉说）
3）第三句 = 做同样的事情，不需要不时的调整适应不同的地点（保留原意）
4）第四句 = 做同样的事情，不需要经常需要建立新的同事和朋友关系，也就是重新来过（以支持者的角度去诉说，而不是反方的角度去诉说）
5）第五句 = 做同样的事情，尽管也需要更新工作需要的知识，但不需要学习自己不拿手的新知识（以支持者的角度去诉说，而不是反方的角度去诉说）
6）第六句 = 做同样的事情，因为每一次的新知识是提高现在岗位的工作能力，所以不会承受很大的压力，也不会产生对生活谋生的厌倦（以支持者的角度去诉说，而不是反方的角度去诉说）

这样第二个段落就全部都是（支持者）角度的看法（都是优点），而不是（支持者）的优点和（反方）的缺点穿插在同一个段落。

希望这样的解释可以帮到您。